It is slowly dissolving.
The residual layer of tired, loss, grief, fatigue, and a heaviness that was pressing down upon me; I got so used to carrying it back in Anchorage, I had begun to think it was normal.
I walked under the stars this morning and felt a bit more evaporate and dissipate beneath the illumination of night. Walks like this make me re-realize my existence- I am here, and here is Kauai, where life is thousands of miles away from what it once was.
How do we get so off track in our lives? We lay down roots and hope we laid them in the right place. Many times we do, at least at the start, but they don’t always grow in the directions we want them to grow. And they don’t always produce the kinds of fruits that help us feel nourished and satisfied.
I look at all my years in Alaska and remember my roots; many of them produced good growth. But in the end, all the new tendrils and sprigs and tributaries, trying to shoot out, had no room to go.
I was running a practice that took the bulk of my energy, leaving precious little to be distributed elsewhere. I felt typecast in a role of self that no longer suited; people get so used to seeing you through a certain lens that you can change right before their very eyes, and they still see you as they always have. But most importantly, I felt that the gifts I have to offer, the most beautiful and tender pieces of me, were not particularly seen, affirmed, or valued.
And as human beings we have a craving to be seen, affirmed, and valued by somebody other than just ourselves.
The land of Kauai breathes with a feminine energy that is in sharp contrast to the masculine energy running through Alaska’s veins. There is sun and sea and a lightness in the atmosphere, as if we are one step closer to heaven and the other side. It is easier to hear spirit, easier to listen to the elements, easier to nourish my intuitive gifts.
And what I am finding in my nourishment, is the gift of dissolution of the thick layers I was carrying, and the re-identification with what lays under those layers: a healer’s heart who chose the road of clinical psychology as a means to the end of helping people. A year ago, I just wanted to lay her to rest and be done with that chapter, but I find that I am not done- just ready to direct that energy through other means and write a new chapter.
Sometimes we need to actualize unseen parts of ourselves, help them feel seen, nourished, sustained and valued, if we are to integrate them into the whole of who we are and move towards greater fullness.
I had an unseen part that people caught glimpses of, but never really grasped the full, as if they were seeing me through a keyhole. I kept trying to catch a glimpse of myself through their eyes and couldn’t find what I was looking for, and it took the loss of a brother and the decision to make this major life transition in order to give myself a new mirror.
Here I am, finally finding what I need to see my full picture.
I’ve been given a teacher; the psychic 10 doors down, who is encouraging me to grow into my own psychic gifts. I’ve been given space; I get to run my practice from the comfort of my home office, shifting to tele-therapy reduced the amount of people I see, leaving me with just enough to remember- I still love and deeply value the healing process of therapy.
And most importantly, I’ve been given a place here on this island who is so alive with spiritual and natural gifts, that each day brings something new to help sustain and teach my hungry soul.
We can be no more than or no less than who we feel called to be in this world. It’s just that sometimes we get so busy with the living that we look up and realize our life isn’t growing in the direction we want it to. And when those times come, we find ourselves at the crossroads of change, where life sits inviting us to take a new path of the heart and grow beyond what we’ve previously known.
Sometimes it just takes awhile to find what you need in order to take that path. But when you do, you will discover that despite the hardships in getting there, you wouldn’t have it any other way.
As you let life’s new stars resolve, absolve, and guide you back home, dissolving all which you no longer need to carry.