I am continually struck by just how much courage it really takes to follow your truth.
I write these words 10 ½ weeks into our move to Kauai, under a starlit sky, as frogs chirp and other creatures of the nights buzz and whirl outside my window. I haven’t been writing much lately, sometimes, no matter how vital writing feels to heart source, you just have to tuck the keyboard away and experience the change before you are ready to put words to it.
It takes time to sink into a new skin of self. We mark change by the big events going on in our lives. Close practice: check. Sell house: check. Move from Alaska to Kauai: check. But the truth is that most outward changes are simply a manifestation of internal changes that began long before the external takes place.
Losing my brother was forced change, but if I look back, I can see the universe was already preparing my heart and soul on some level. December 2015 had brought a sense of restlessness with my life, a sense of inertia and paralysis in my practice, a sense of completion in Anchorage, a sense that more was waiting.
I had this increasing feeling something inside of me was trying to grow, to bust out of a shell, but didn’t have the space or the time to do so.
Then January 18, 2016 rolled around and my world is rocked to its core, Brent is gone, something deep inside of me retreats into a grief state; and as the months wind out, I begin to see the collateral beauty of being forced to evaluate the question of my life and if I am being who I feel called to be.
During this time other things began to happen- an expansion of intuitive and spiritual gifts like I had never experienced. An unmet self, peering out in the darkness, trying to sense her way in the starlight. The voice of my brother coming through from the other side.
Invisible changes nobody can see. They come out through my words, through lyrical verse in poetry as I tentatively try to make sense of myself, to realize the nature of what my own heart and soul calling are trying to tell me.
Those changes grew, prompting me to shift my circumstances so I could make space for my unmet self: I sensed she was waiting for me in Kauai long before I was actually living here. I spent the last year and a half stuck between worlds; no longer who I once was, not yet in the circumstances that would nurture who I needed to become.
Now here I finally find myself, writing these words as I stare out at the stars that still grace a 5 a.m. sky. I shifted my circumstances and have spent the past few months continuing to meet that self and allowing her to coalesce, transform, and integrate into my core.
I’ve been watching my pieces swirl, trying to arrange them into a new puzzle, not quite seeing my full picture. And then this week they came together, the path so clear I wasn’t sure why I didn’t see it before, except to say that life has its own timing and we see things clearly only when our hearts our ready.
This week my heart finally felt ready. I realized those trickles of words that have been coming out- about my brother and all that has transpired since- are trying to tell me something. They are not just a blog post or a poem or an on-line article. They are the sequel and counterpart to Lamentations of the Sea: 111 passages on grief, love, loss and letting go.
Those words, thoughts, and untold stories that I’ve been carrying in my heart since the day Brent crossed over need to be shared. As a whole. As a book. And this week I felt the task set before me with certainty, clarity, and fear.
But I’m scared, I thought.
Write the book, write the book, write the book. The stars sing this song into my veins.
Am I ready to share these experiences, I wondered.
Write the book, write the book, write the book. The spirits swirl around me in support.
Can I really do this, I doubted myself.
Write the book, write the book, write the book. The trees lend gentle wisdom.
Who am I to say these things, I questioned.
Courage Little Sister- do you not yet realize that every time life handed you a close, you chose to open in love. You are a being of love, living in love, and you rest in Love’s authority. Write. The. Book. Brent speaks it into me, and so it is.
I’m writing the book.
Revelations of The Light: 111 passages on soul, spirit, the other side, and finding my brother in the afterlife will be out in 2018.
And in the meantime, I’ve got some writing to do as the jungle strums its early morning sounds, the moon shines down in blessing, and somewhere underneath a starlit roof in Kauai- –
A woman who dared to follow her change finally finds her soul free.