Who I’ll Be: from Heliotrope Nights

Every month I share an excerpt from one of my books. For August I’m sharing a short essay/prose piece from Heliotrope Nights called Who I’ll Be. It is a reflection on how it takes courage to give ourselves the space to  change and the space to nurture an unmet self. But it is only through finding that kind of courage that we can self-actualize and become the person we are meant to be. Here’s to making space for change.

In peace and love,
BethAnne

“Who in the world am I? Ah, that’s the great puzzle.”
-Lewis Caroll, Alice in Wonderland

We can spend our entire lifetime finding and losing and rediscovering ourselves. We’re meant to spend our entire lifetime finding and losing and rediscovering ourselves in a constant dance of creative, dynamic expansion.

The challenge is- it doesn’t feel very dynamic or expansive when we are in a space of change. Change creates a nebulous void where we lose track of ourselves as we stand on the brink of uncertainty; no longer the person we left behind, not quite certain who we’ll turn out to be.

I always feel intense, immense, sincere swells of discomfort in this space. Who am I and Where am I going and Who will I become? But I have learned, keep learning, always learning in all my losings and findings and rearrangings that there is a part of ourselves- some still, invisible wisdom of soul- who knows exactly where we are going and who we will be.

She makes herself known at her own pace and process. A new thought here, a different action there, an old belief shed, a new belief slowly embraced. She reveals herself in her own time as you slowly unpeel sticky layers of a cocoon, until one day you realize all those layers have dissolved into cups of compost for old ground. And you find yourself cleared for new space. Blinking in the face of fresh light.

Our deeper selves have a process and rhythm all their own. Changing as change is needed. Growing in their own shape and way. We unpeel when it is time, leave our layers behind, begin to learn to use new eyes.

It feels dark when I’m in my voids of change, but I keep learning to sink into the pregnant space of nebula. Somewhere inside an emerging self slowly begins to form, she asks me to protect and nurture her gestation so she has the space to become.

I send her love, cradle my seed of who I’ll be.

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